In My Life

Throughout my life there have been people along the way without whom I would not have survived. My beloved grandmother who took such good care of me always and who, I say with conviction because she told me so, loved me more than her other four grandchildren. I guess the main reason for that is that I was a sick baby and young child and she felt such great responsibility to take care of me, especially when my mother went back to work when I was 16 months old. To me, there was no one else in the world like my Mamaw and there never will be.

My mother instilled in me that there was nothing I couldn't do. I remember seeing her sitting on the couch while I watched television, cutting the sharp edges of the adhesive part of my ostomy bags and pleating the end opening and putting a rubber band around it. Until I finally said I was old enough to go to the bathroom by myself at probably the age of 9 or 10, she gave me an enema every other day. She was going to make sure my colon worked one way or another. Somehow I have managed to master that part of my bathroom situation. However, if I get a case of diarrhea I am pretty much home bound. All this to say that my mother made certain that I was as healthy as I could possibly be, always did things to the best of my ability and that I took advantage of every opportunity afforded me.

Friends have been a tremendously important part of my life. I still have some friends from childhood who are a wonderful part of my life today. Some of these friends knew about my condition and never treated me any differently than anyone else. These friends love me unconditionally. However there are always exceptions and not all my childhood friends were as loyal as I would have liked. One in particular slept with Blake while I was in treatment and my 15-year-old son walked in on them. How's that for friendship?

Speaking of my son, my life would have turned out very differently if not for him. He is a miracle, considering what all I went through while I was pregnant with him. His love has seen me through some very hard times and while we've had one particularly long period of his not letting me be a part of his life after I stole from my mother, our relationship has been restored and I am so grateful to God for that. He is my angel.

I really have to look at friendships like that and the relationships I've had with both men and women that were abusive as learning experiences. Even those that appear to be kind at first look can harbor a dark side that many times does not surface until you are so emotionally or legally invested in the relationship that it's hard to turn back. Again, I know that many of you are telling yourself that the first time your partner hit you or mistreated you in any way, you would be out the door and never look back. I'm certain there are people like that and I applaud that kind of strength. Unfortunately, I did not have such strength. But these relationships have taught me what I do not want and what I will not settle for.

Certainly there are many of you who disapprove of my relationships with women and there are those of you who cannot understand it. Granted I have made some very poor choices. But, again, I've learned from my mistakes.

It is my belief that I could not have appreciated the relationship I have now without having been through the bad times. It is also my belief that God had someone hand picked for me in Stacey. She and I have been together for more than 4 years now. She has seen me through my mother's Alzheimer's Disease, through terrible bouts of depression (which I still suffer from) and has loved me through it all. I don't believe there is another person in this world that could be more perfect for me. She is the kindest person I have ever met. Her intelligence astounds me. She loves my family and I love hers. She is one of 7 children and I am an only child. She loves me through that, too. I can be quite selfish and impatient and she is giving and patient with me. I love her with all my heart. We know this is the relationship God has blessed us with.

My life has been so much easier than some people's. It has also been very hard at times but I am nothing but grateful for every experience. Living through the good times and the pain and sometimes agony has made me who I am today - an open-minded, happy and grateful person because of what I have been through in these nearly 50 years.