Changing Places, Changing Times

Robert had been living with his boss in Brandon because it was so much easier than driving to his business in Brandon that making that long commute. We decided it would be a great idea to move to a nice apartment in Brandon. We rented the place and moved in over one weekend. Once we got to Brandon there was no missing Byram at all. Brandon is quiet, the sidewalks roll up at 10 PM, you know, that kind of place.

But Mother's Alzheimer's Disease seemed to be getting worse by the day. I know that sounds impossible but that is truly how it felt. She was quickly spiraling downward. She never understood the layout of the new apartment. The new apartment was much larger than the old one. We set the living room up identically to the living room in the old apartment believing that would make her more comfortable. We did the same with her bedroom, but she did not want to be in her bedroom at all. I believe she was afraid to be in there by herself. So, my mother lived on the couch. Yes, folks, she sat in the same spot all day. She took her meals there and slept on the couch at night. This went on for nearly 2 years.

Perhaps you have heard this before but it bears repeating. When an elderly parent is stricken with Alzheimer's Disease, the child becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child. The roles become completely reversed and it's not only weird, it's hard and it's sad. I bought a baby monitor and put it beside my bed and by the couch so that I could hear her during the night if she called out for me. It served another purpose, as well. Mother was a smoker so we would take her ashtray, cigarettes and lighter and hide them at night so that she wouldn't burn the house down. Someone always had to be sitting beside her while she smoked. You just never knew what she was going to do. One night Robert walked in and when she saw him come through the door she threw her cigarette right on the floor because she was so anxious to hug and kiss him. You would have thought Jesus walked through the door!

Stacey was writing the grants for Stewpot Community Services and God led her to a woman named Shirley. Shirley was a part-time house manager at a couple of the women's shelters. Turns out Shirley was looking for an elderly lady to sit with and we had just the elderly lady for her. Isn't it amazing how God suits up and shows up every single time? We had no idea what we were going to do for a sitter. Stacey's step-daughter had come several times but had children of her own so she could not commit to anything permanently. And then there was Shirley.

We hired her to take care of mother's needs while we were at work. But she did so much more than that. She cleaned our apartment, changed our beds, washed, folded and put away our clothes and had dinner ready when we got home from work! She would have mother bathed and fed. Sometimes she even put little barrettes in her hair. I'm not sure my mother ever knew or remembered Shirley's name but, oh, how she loved her! She would get the biggest smile on her face when Shirley would walk in the door every morning. They truly loved each other.

You would think that I would have been completely happy and worry free at this point in my life. I was clean, going to meetings, working my program, had a decent job, and, of course, Stacey and Robert. I could not have kept my mother at home as long as we were able to without her help. But I was wracked with guilt. Even though my mother and my son had forgiven me for the lying and stealing I had done while I was using, I had not yet forgiven myself. I have done research and read countless articles linking the progression of Alzheimer's disease to stressful situations, just like I had put my mother through. Had I done this to my mother?

I became short-tempered and sometimes I would just go on crying jags. It didn't help that I had a big critic that was constantly circling like a gnat around your ear. Mother had a friend, we'll call her Debra. She was a neighbor and they had been friends with my mother since Robert was born and her grand daughter, who was born a few weeks later. Debra had heard about my mother long before she ever met her. Mother was always perfectly dressed, coiffed and elegant. She sold Mary Kay cosmetics and another neighbor had told Debra what a stylish woman and fine person my mother was. I think, to put it mildly, that Debra had a crush on my mom, if you will. The sort of crush that women sometimes get on other women the deeply admire. Nothing sexual but just sort of worshiping my mother from afar and when she finally did meet her it was on after that. Debra made sure she was at mom's house all the time, letting the kids play together, taking them to the playground at McDonald's, etc. I don't, and never will pretend to be a psychiatrist, but there was something not quite right with the way Debra felt about my mother.

Debra was also one of these people that would act so sweet to your face and then trash you to other people. I honestly think she was jealous of mine and my mother's relationship. She is about 20 years younger than my mom so I'm not sure if it was a mother fixation and she was jealous of me as a “sibling” or exactly what it was. There's no other way I can describe it but the relationship just never felt right to me.

When my drug addiction manifested itself, Debra had a field day with it. Of course, she had made sure to make all my mother's circle of friends her own. She called everyone they both knew and I'm sure many others and told them what a sorry piece of trash I was. She even called my uncle, my mother's older brother who lived in Texas, about my problems and how I had done my mother wrong. What Debra was stupid enough not to realize was that my mother was a very, very private person. She didn't want all our family troubles broadcast all the way from here to Texas and even to Florida where some of my mother's high school friends lived.

I had no way to defend myself nor did I have the time and energy. I was a drug addict and, while it made me furious, I was more interested in getting and using drugs than what she was doing. But when I got sober and realized the extent of what she had done I just absolutely could not believe it! If you are a Jacksonian, Texan or Floridian and did not here about my horrible deeds then you are probably one of few. She did everything but hang up posters with a list of my bad act on every light pole and tree in the tri-county area.

She and I got into several verbal altercations after we moved to Brandon. For some unknown reason she didn't believe I was clean even though I had been clean for more than 2 years at that point. One morning I was sick with my sinuses and did not go to work. The phone rang and I answered it. It was Debra. She asked me what I was doing home and I told her I was sick. She stated she didn't believe I was sick and I said something I've never said to anyone in my life. I told her to go to Hell and hung up in her face.

We dealt with her and her actions to the best of our abilities and decided to not let anything she said bothers us. There were many more important things to take care of and make decisions about. For instance, we would fix mother's breakfast, lunch or dinner plate according to the time of day it was. She would finish eating it and I would take the plate from her. I would not have made it around the corner into the kitchen before she asked me if I was going to feed her anything or not, usually in a rather accusatory or angry tone. Even showing her the empty plate would not satisfy her that she had just eaten. I couldn't feed her more because she had a sensitive stomach and the last thing I wanted to do was make her sick.

One morning while I was getting ready for work Stacey noticed mother getting up off the couch and immediately sitting down in one of our green armchairs. Upon closer investigation we say that she had urinated through her clothes and on to the chair.  Things just kept getting worse. Her temper became worse and that was very hard to deal with all the time. She was very demanding and became more difficult to deal with. In addition, Stacey and I had become virtual prisoners in our own home. Of course, we were blessed to have Shirley with mother during the day while we worked but she was totally our responsibility every evening and every weekend. Someone had to be with her at all times as she could never be left alone. We were at our wits end.

We made the extremely hard decision to put her in a nursing home. She was very angry at first so we gave her a couple of weeks to let her get settled in and to allow the medical team to get her medication regulated. In addition to her other medications, they added and anti-depressant and a mild sedative. It made a world of difference and by the time we visited again, she was a happy, pleasant person who was glad to see us but did not beg to go home. Our spirits were lifted greatly by that visit.

Unfortunately my mother's health deteriorated. Alzheimer's Disease, like the disease of addiction, is one of the most horrible things that can happen to a family. You lose your loved one before you actually lose your loved one. 

I actually lost my mother on October 11, 2012.